Saga Of The Incompitent Four
by Novek Dace
Summary: Four heroes set about ridding the world of evil; Hard to follow, seeing as it's co-written, and the authors are all vaguely barmy and rather sad **beams** FOURTH CHAPTER NOW UP.
1. In which immature comments are made, and...

The Saga of the Incompetent Few - By Novek Dace (Novek Dace), Anonymous Matt (Lord Tarquin), Fishboy (Baron Schnitzel) and Table Leg (Azrael). Majorly edited by Novek Dace. Diablo is (c) Blizzard Entertainment, Vivendi, whatever. The game, that is. Not Diablo himself...That'd just be...Weird. Yeah. Diablo is (c) the Nine Circles Of Hell. That's a good band name...Shut up now Dace. Right. K.  
  
Prologue  
  
Novek Dace swung her Hellslayer with great force, lopping off Baal's head in one swooping arc. The demon fell to the ground, squeaking and screaming like a woman. He then, oddly enough, decided to have a nice conversation with our barbarian heroine. He started off by asking her if she'd like a rune.  
  
Part 1  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Dace looked a bit bemused,  
  
"Um, you have no head.." She pointed, "But..can I have a Zod?"  
  
"Uh.I only have up to Shael."  
  
"Damn," said Dace, "I'll have that then!"  
  
Then Dace realised that it wasn't actually Baal.  
  
"Oh my God! Tarq! I cut your head off!" Tarquin's body stood up then shed itself,  
  
"I'm OK.It's just a costume." he grinned stupidly. Dace cursed under her breath.  
  
"Tarq, damnit, don't do that!"  
  
"I'm sorry Dace." Tarq replied.  
  
"We should get on with finding Baal before the world is utterly destroyed.."  
  
"Erm.Well..I had other plans. I mean, I don't think I can go without my cream."  
  
Dace raised an eyebrow,  
  
"Ew?" she was pretty grossed-out by that last comment.  
  
"What? Have I got jaundice again?"  
  
"Doesn't matter..You coming or not?"  
  
"Suppose."  
  
Our heroes set off on their journey. Dace stopped suddenly and poked Tarquin, who stopped as well,  
  
"Did you hear that narrative voice in the background..? Or was it just me?"  
  
"Yup. Thought it was just me though. I hear voices all the time. Little redheaded Necromancers tell me to kill people." "What the.?"  
  
"I'm pig-ignorant. Dun worry." He replied thickly, grinning like an idiot on pot (which he most likely was.).  
  
Dace kicked at the dust,  
  
"So we're heroes then?"  
  
Out of habit, Tarquin scratched his bollocks a bit,  
  
"Yeah, guess so."  
  
Dace put a hand to her forehead,  
  
"Damnit."  
  
The whole room began to shake.  
  
"Um.I think it's time we left." Said Dace, keeping surprisingly calm. She turned and ran, but soon turned back to see Tarquin staring idly at the ceiling, still scratching,  
  
"Tarq! Damnit!"  
  
Dace ran from the room, yelling,  
  
"Tarquin! Come on, you idiot!" She had run about seven hundred metres (a safe distance when you have a falling temple) when she stopped and checked behind her. Tarquin hadn't followed, so, being a valiant barbarian (the world's only female barbarian warrior), she returned to collect him.  
  
She found him in the exact same spot she had left him; he seemed to be talking to himself whilst still disgustingly itching his balls - she would have to find a cure for his low self-esteem. The room around them fell - several times Dace had to move, as to avoid being flattened by tons of falling rubble - but still Tarquin stood, completely un-harmed. Once the dust had cleared and the room was silent, Dace saw before her that Tarquin was completely un-scratched - it looked like his penis had saved him again.  
  
Dace shook her head,  
  
"It's not fair. It's really not. I work and work and you just have this magic penis that saves you all the time! Not fair." She blinked, "Not that I want your magic penis. Ew." With that, she grabbed Tarquin's arm and dragged him out of the room,  
  
"Let's go find Baal. Maybe he can fix your bollocks-insecurity problem." she muttered sarcastically.  
  
"Don't worry Dace! Your clitoris eyes will save you some time. I'm sure of it!"  
  
"I don't have fricking clitoris eyes!!!!!" Dace raged, punching Tarquin full in the face, knocking him unconscious,  
  
"Hahaha...Suck on that penis-nose!" and with that, she pulled out her Cruel Colossus Blade of the Leech and her Stormshield ((Hahaha.. Don't you wish you had them too? Ed)). and set off to find Baal. 


	2. Entering the Moo Moo Farm

Chapter 2  
  
"Moo!"  
  
Dace frowned,  
  
"Oh crap! We strayed into Moo Moo Farm.I told you it was the blue portal!"  
  
"Uh.Got my hands full at the mo'." replied Tarquin weakly, who had made a miraculous recovery.  
  
He was almost immediately knocked out again by the Cow King.  
  
"Jesus Tarquin..I said: NO KING!"  
  
Dace ran and with and almighty 'mawumph!' went back through the portal. She knew Tarquin would be fine. Which he was. Sort of. She went to Akara to load up on potions, then to Charsi and got her CCB repaired (dented, thanks to Tarquin). Then she set off onto the plains outside the camp. They were kind of cold. Also, the fields were mildly stony, the woods a bit dark and the marsh? Almost black. Soon she chanced upon a minion; a zombie to be exact. He wasn't very cooperative, so Dace just had to cut him in half in one giant sweep of her sword.  
  
It started to rain. Dace wasn't really bothered; Colossus blades were notoriously tarnish resistant. She peered through the haze.  
  
Suddenly, without warning, an arrow whistled past her ear and she jumped back in surprise, holding her sword ready,  
  
"Oi! Evil demons will die for that! Crap shot too.Didn't even skim me."  
  
"Dace? Is.is that you?"  
  
She noticed a figure running towards her, through the gloom,  
  
"Dace! It is you!" The person beamed at her. Dace squinted, then exclaimed,  
  
"Azrael! It's.you!"  
  
Azrael grinned, shouldering his bow.  
  
Oh bloody Hell, Dace thought to herself. My day just gets better. I knew I should have just stayed as the lone wolf.  
  
"Hi there Mr. Azrael bloke!" she forced a grin. She had a headache and was sort of looking forward to doing her quests alone. When you're alone, you can talk to yourself. At least you understand what you're saying, "For nearly shooting me with an arrow which was." she glanced back and squinted into the gloom behind her, to the oozing arrow, embedded a few metres away in the grass, "High in poison damage apparently, I shall now attack you thoroughly with this Cruel Colossus, here."  
  
Azrael cocked his bow in one fluid, well-trained movement, but Dace waved a tired hand, "Just kidding. Seen Tarquin? Last I saw, he was being saved by a short dick."  
  
Meanwhile, in Moo Moo Farm.  
  
"I'll save you Tarq!" yelled Baron Schnitzel. He hated his parents, just because of his name. They had a strange idea about formal titles. They heard people were born with them. They didn't want little Schnitzel to be left out.  
  
Summoning his golem and a few hundred skeletal mages (which, upon appearance, seemed to slow time down just slightly; every so often, people would find themselves making jolty movements that they couldn't explain), Schnitzel charged into the skirmish of Hell Cows. He ran out promptly, a few second later, dragging Tarquin by the foot (who was currently unconscious (again), his head bouncing along the turf).  
  
Once he had gotten a safe distance away, he cast a bone wall around them and perched himself on top, watching the battle with an insane grin fixed to his face.  
  
About half an hour later, his grin was fading. Every so often, he had to re- curse the cows again. Killing hordes of evil beings was hard work alone. Presently, Tarquin woke up,  
  
"What happened?" he murmured groggily.  
  
"Dace happened." He sighed.  
  
"Oh.Where is she now?"  
  
"Killing legions of the undead without us, I presume."  
  
"Ah. I see." But really, he didn't.  
  
"So.where, currently, would you say we are?"  
  
Dace frowned. She always did whilst she was thinking.  
  
"The...Black Marsh.?"  
  
"And Baal is where, exactly?" queried the archer.  
  
"Akara said he was somewhere in the deserts of..of..Ara.Aranoch?"  
  
"Damn. We've got quite a way to go, then. Apparently there's some big evil thing where the Sisters of the Sightless Eye used to live."  
  
Azrael looked around and squinted. He cocked his bow and shot into the gloom. As the arrow left his bow it turned blue, freezing the air around it. There was a dull thud and the sound of a now dead, undead corpse falling to the ground.  
  
Dace raised he eyebrows,  
  
"Nice shot."  
  
"I wish I had a teleport amulet!" Baron Schnitzel wailed, kicking a tree. Then, a corpse, which was still alive, stood up clumsily,  
  
"I thought they only slept in Nihlathak's temple.?" Tarquin was looking puzzled. Schnitzel tutted and shook his head; his mages were making light work of the zombie. The corpse lolled flimsily to the ground and went 'ping!' for no real apparent reason. There, in-between the legs and torso of the severed zombie was an amulet. Schnitzel picked it up.  
  
"Damn! I used all my identifies picking up cruddy rares in the Cow run." he looked around. Tarquin was no where to be seen. "Tarq? Tarq.?"  
  
"What's this?" Tarquin was running back as fast as he could, clutching a scroll with.a red clasp.  
  
"Tarquin, I love you!" the Baron snatched the scroll and read it, "Oh my God.it's a teleport amulet!"  
  
"But.there's only one.?" Tarq said thickly. He really didn't understand anything, Schnitzel thought to himself,  
  
"Duh. Hold on."  
  
Mawumph!  
  
"Shouldn't we go back for Tarq?" Azrael was beginning to feel guilty.  
  
"Nah," Dace frankly didn't care. She viewed guilt as a flaw in a warrior.  
  
Mawumph! Mawumph mawumph mawumph.  
  
A blue light sped past.  
  
"What the..? What was that?" Azrael was slightly scared. His bow was already cocked, "Maybe Baal's got teleport.?" The light was coming back, "Run."  
  
"No!" Dace was holding onto Azrael's arm, forcing him to stay put. The light stopped. Two figures were walking towards them.  
  
"Sorry, I over-shot." the necromancer said sheepishly. 


	3. Stumbling into the barracks, more crap j...

Chapter 3  
  
Dace gritted her teeth. Great, Tarq's back and now Schnitzel was here too, she thought. Why not have a party? Invite the whole damn LoD_GBR_2 channel, if you like, why don't you!  
  
She forced a smile,  
  
"Hi Schnitzel. Hi Tarq. Sorry I knocked you out. Then left you to..Uh.Die."  
  
"Um..That's OK." Tarq replied. As usual, he didn't understand.  
  
"Heya Tarq! Heya Schnitzel! How was the Moo Moo Farm?" Azrael asked, in a genuinely happy tone.  
  
"I got this rare Circlet!" Schnitzel exclaimed.  
  
"What Moo Moo Farm.?" This was Tarq. It was all very confusing for him.  
  
"What're the stats?" queried Dace with a sigh.  
  
Half an hour later, Dace was hacking at Devilkins,  
  
"So, you have a teleport amulet now?" she asked, interested. Schnitzel knocked a Thorn Beast out with his bone wand,  
  
"Yup! 25 charges and everything. It rocks." Dace skewered a Yeti, which was creeping up on the necromancer (Yetis don't creep that well, but there was no better word for the movement of the beast but 'creeping'). She gave Schnitzel a dazzling, sharp-toothed grin,  
  
"Can I have it.?"  
  
The necro cursed a bunch of Devilkins, who writhed a bit.  
  
"No. Mind out: demons."  
  
~**~  
  
Azrael ran over to the barbarian and the necromancer,  
  
"Have you got the Waypoint yet? Tarq just tripped over it. Over there," he waved a hand. Dace and Schnitzel looked around and saw Tarquin on the floor, rubbing his head. Schnitzel peered. He raised his arm and cursed a yeti in the distance. Azrael raised his bow and shot at it. It fell to the ground, making its death sound, whatever that was.  
  
~**~  
  
"How close are we?" asked Dace.  
  
"We've got to go through the jail, through the Cathedral and then down the catacombs." Informed the all-knowing Azrael, who had strong connections with the Sightless Eye, it seemed.  
  
Tarquin blinked,  
  
"My head hurts. I think the floor hit it." Azrael rolled his eyes and smirked at the others,  
  
"He should have a leash!"  
  
Dace and Schnitzel glared blankly. Crickets made clicking noises. The barbarian, whose life revolved around killing things and getting the gold and jewels (and, perhaps the popularity, but that came with the gold and jewels) at the end, and the necromancer, who was only concerned with darkness and death, were never in the mood for humour and since the archer wasn't funny anyway, they just slinked off into the barracks. Azrael was left with the fallen figure of Tarquin, in the waning light of the sun,  
  
"You could have at least pretended to laugh!" he yelled at the retreating figures. "Perfectly good comedy," the archer muttered, "And the only people who I happen to hang around with are either humourless or as thick as a brick."  
  
Slinging his bow over his shoulder and grabbing Tarquin by the scruff, he stalked off into the barracks after his companions.  
  
As they entered the barracks, it was extremely dark. All they could see was a little square of moonlight let in by a broken window, and the flame of a torch held by the Baron, up ahead. As the archer walked faster to catch up was his companions (dragging the dim-witted sorcerer behind him), he could hear the shrieks of demons being slashed to bits by Dace, and the occasional squeaks from Schnitzel, such as,  
  
"Argh! It's gnawing my bloody arm!" or, "It's bloody well shaggin' my leg!" These were all abruptly cut off by the well-known whistle of Dace's sword, and a mutter of,  
  
"Stop whining, you dolt."  
  
Once they had regrouped and the room had been emptied of demon life, they looked around. Schnitzel wondered how the sisters lived here (he thought they might have been called the 'Sightless Eye' because of their disgusting choice of wallpaper); Azrael wondered why the layout was so stupid (and when they were going to have dinner); Dace thought about the carnage that had happened (and what was for dinner), but Tarquin just didn't. 


	4. Off to kill the Smith

A/N All characters in this story are © their creators. AKA: Novek Dace is © me, Azrael belongs to Leg, Schnitzel to Fish, Tarquin to Anonymous Matt, and everyone else to Blizzard/Vivendi. The word 'Ngk' is Copyright Queen Smithy and Me. Me be Novek Dace. Do NOT steal our word. **grin**  
  
This Chapter is dedicated to Smithy, who still insists I can write. Note: all of the current reviews belong to her **more grinning**  
  
Chapter 4  
  
"So . . . What are we doing?" Tarquin was clueless, as usual. This also provided the authors with an opportunity to fill in the readers; Tarquin was so unintentionally helpful. Azrael gave a theatrical sigh,  
  
"Our ultimate goal is this Andariel, Maiden of Anguish, we've got to kill, but Charsi wants us to get back some hammer thing. There's pretty prizes . . ." he added in a singsong voice. Dace whirled around on her heel,  
  
"How much?" she fired,  
  
"Wh . . . What?" Azrael arched a brow.  
  
"Gold. How much gold?" Azrael's jaw dropped at this implication,  
  
"Charsi's a blacksmith. She make weapons, not gold." He slurred.  
  
"Damn."  
  
"OooOoOoooOO . . ." Tarquin exclaimed. He shuffled off, mumbling incoherently to himself.  
  
"So, Azzzzz . . . . . . " Schnitzel blinked. "What was I saying? Oh yeah. Where's this hammer thingy?"  
  
Azrael looked around, brow furrowed in thought,  
  
"It's around here somewhere . . . Though Akara warned about some monster built like a. . . A . . . A really big monster."   
At this point, there was a crack, and a vague bit of cursing (of the rude variety). Schnitzel had walk head-long into what he thought was a wall,  
  
"Arrrg!!! MY F***ING NOSEEE!!!!!!! Who put that wa . . . " He trailed off, his gaze slowly traveling upwards, until he finally set his eyes upon what can only be described as a 'face'.  
  
"Ahahaha. . ." the small necromancer mumbled something inaudible and irrelevant. Slowly, he backed away, aligning himself with Tarquin. The two heroes were now stood behind Dace and Azrael, who were staring at the monster (the Smith, for those of you too dim to come to this conclusion so far) with growing menace. Tarq seemed to be simultaneously casting firewall and nova, all the while scratching his balls. None of his companions, save perhaps Dace, seemed to give a damn. They thought of it as good luck.  
  
The Smith, growling, lumbered clumsily forwards. He swung his enormous and, quoth the Tarquin, "beasty" hammer, smashing Azrael full-on in the stomach. Azrael flew backwards a few feet, and crumpled against the far wall with a "Ngk!"  
  
Dace gave a worried glance over her shoulder,  
  
"Shite!" was exclaimed. Unfortunately, she was cut off by an incredibly badly aimed swing from the Smith. Had this not been a near-death situation, Dace's attempts to not trip over her own feet would have been hysterical.  
  
Meanwhile, however, her companions were saving her arse. Just as Dace had regained her balance (and her dignity), a sleek, green, expensive looking arrow skimmed over her shoulder and lodged itself into the Smith's eyesocket. This was presently followed by an impressive blur of more arrows, bone spirit, random boney mages, and, amazingly enough, firwall and nova inputs from Tarquin. Dace, finally getting into the swing of things, decided that maybe now was the time to actually do something, less she be ridiculed later for her complete incompetence against the Smith. She did her favourite thing, and just hacked the hulking giant with all her might.  
  
After a while of hacking, slashing, burning, shooting, and much more assorted killing activities, the Smith did a most unimpressive 'groan, slump and die' routine. As he fell to the floor, out popped some random items: a couple of gems, a large heap of gold, and an ist rune.  
  
"BAGSY ON THE ITEMS!!!" chorused Dace, Schnitzel and Azrael. Like a group of school kids, they pushed and shoved their way to the corpse, trying their best to kick/punch/step on each others' feet. However, when they reached the dead Smith…  
  
"What the…?" Dace blinked. All three of them swiveled towards Tarquin, who stood, his hands full of glowing riches.  
  
"Ooh. . . Erm. . . Topaz, Ruby, Amethyst. . ." the sorcerer had done pretty well in identifying the gems.  
  
"How. . .Ho. . .Wha'. . . ?" Schnitzel blurbled. Tarquin simply beamed,  
  
"Put some points into Telekinesis!" he looked genuinely chuffed with himself. The others just looked. . . Smouldery.  
  
"BASTARD!!!" Dace yelled. She'd been beaten by magic, she knew it. But she just didn't want to admit it. "I wanted them. . .And will you PLEASE stop fiddling with your crotch!"  
  
"What. . ? Sorry . . .I. . . Um. . . . . . ." There was a pause. "What. . .?" Dace rolled her eyes.  
  
There was a yell from the corner,  
  
"Look what I found!" said Schnitzel, in a rather sarcastic way. Tarquin didn't catch the tone.  
  
"Ooo! OOo! What?!"   
  
Azrael sighed, Dace rolled her eyes, Schnitzel just grinned.  
  
"It's a staff. For you." Schnitzel pulled a stomach muscle trying not to laugh. Tarquin's eyes widened,  
  
"For me? Which one. . . ?"  
  
"It's. . .Um. . ." Schnitzel tried to suppress another laugh, ". . .A. . .hehe. . .A Salamander. It's a battle staff!" he started sniggering.  
  
"OoOo. . .Is it good?" queried Tarquin. Dace snorted.  
  
"Oh yes, very good. You'll kill everything in seconds." replied Schnitzel, in a highly sarcastic tone – which was once again lost on Tarquin. "I'll give it to you for. . .Say, that crappy little stick you're using now, and that Ist rune." Tarquin made the trade eagerly, handing the Baron his Oculus.  
  
"Thanks!" he exclaimed. He took the staff in both his hands and swung it inexpertly. He seemed pleased. So did Schnitzel.  
  
"Where do we go now. . .?" asked Dace, bored with bullying the sorcerer – for the moment, anyway.  
  
"I saw the way down to the Jail just back that way. . ." Schnitzel pointed a pale hand down a pitch black corridor that looked like all the others.  
  
"Damnit. . .Stupid Smith. . .Made a hole in my sixty percent increased attack speed wyrmhide armour! Look!" Azrael was moaning again. He pointed to the tear. Dace gave him her most withering glare, and he muttered a bit, "Eh. . .I s'pose it. . .Doesn't matter that much. . .Just get Charsi to fix it. . ."  
  
Schnitzel peered into the gloom of the corridor ahead,  
  
"Tarq, can you fire a few flame bolts down there. . .?" he pointed. Tarquin bit his lip,  
  
"Uh. . .Yeah. K." He concentrated – Azrael noted what a scary sight that was. Rare, too – and suddenly a few spheres of perfect fire bolts flew from the tip of his new staff. As they illuminated the passage, Dace noted a door on the left hand side – which they had just come through – and two unopened doors on the right. As the fireballs hit the wall at the end of the hall, she also noticed the splattered blood.  
  
"OK, follow me." she let her sword swing by her side, and walked off down the corridor. 


End file.
